Becoming a mother for the first time, I expected a gentle, sweet love we imagine in childhood. Some women might experience this but it was not like this for me. His birth was traumatic and narrowed my entire being into a pinpoint of singular meaning. Motherhood for me was a tsunami. A breathtaking force that gouged valleys and vast spaces where my heart had been. An overpowering sensation akin to disaster in that it felt out of my control. I finally understood what it meant to say your heart walked outside your body. A terrifying love capable of decimating your soul and lifting you to the greatest joys imaginable.
I've since found a kind of balance, away from that initial shock of everything falling away but his needs. It gets easier as he gets older and it helps to have an amazing husband who is also the best father ever. I've found a way to find time for all the parts of my life in a shifting kaleidoscope of priorities. My career came first and is still a significant priority, yet I am pragmatic and my solutions are creative. I treasure every moment of his childhood and love this journey.
I might get hate mail for this yet I think that motherhood should complete us, bring us full circle in all that we are capable of - not define us in and of itself. My goal is to work myself out of a 'job', successfully sending him off into the world fully prepared - yet I want to look around to an independent and successful life that is my own outside of him. I say this now - I have many years to go before this happens and I want them to go by slowly. It is the best life.