Sidelined

Summer is evaporating swiftly - nearly gone and I have not posted in a long while. There were several reasons. Initially it was because I wanted to be more mindful about living in the present. This blog is about my adventures in slowing down and letting go a bit. I began to be concerned that I was more interested in capturing my life in snapshots than in actually enjoying it in the moment. Make sense?

What I realised is that I almost always write late at night when the house is quiet and my mind is restless. So not really an issue. We also just really enjoyed family time this summer. No crazy rushed schedules, just exploring what interested us. Secondly, I've been busy with new projects at work that have interrupted my normal hectic, yet comfortable work patterns. My late night musings have all been work related. This is why learning new things are good for our brains...

For the last several weeks, however, I haven't posted because I just couldn't sit at a computer to do so. I injured my back in a silly second that I wish I could rewind and re-do. It happens to so many people but I never thought it would happen to me. It is a herniated disk that will take 4 weeks to 3 months to mend and another 300-500 days for my body to completely heal, provided I take care and not re-injure myself.

My experience has been deeply humbling, as I had to accept that my normal, tenacious approach to solving problems (ignore the discomfort and plow through) would just not work in a situation that required me to be still. My attempt to simply ignore the problem did not work, and in fact slowed down my healing. Physical therapy and a new respect for really taking care of myself has become a strong focus. I tend to take care of everyone else around me and put myself (I know there is a club for this...) last.

I now have a new appreciation for those who live with acute pain or who lose their mobility. Not being able to sit, pick up things without squatting (good news is my leg muscles are getting great exercise!), sleep well or remember what it was like to not feel pain constantly affects your quality of life in such a profound way. What I am ashamed of is how crummy I have been taking all this. I never slow down and yet this is not something I can rush around. My normal way of approaching things will actually hurt me in this matter. And it is frustrating not to just get better immediately.

So I complain. I whine. I apologise for whining then do it some more. It is quite detestable. My family has been so wonderful and yet I compare myself to people who REALLY have problems, who NEVER complain, despite having terrible things happen to them and yet who sweetly remind us all of angels. I am not this type of person. The sad truth is that when the tough got going, I am a failure. At this point in my life, this very week, I am a miserable, shocked child who is not feeling enough gratitude for all my blessings. So my personal task is to accept this temporary status in my life. To accept it and move through it with as much grace as I can muster...or fake.