A Meaningful Life

I initially wrote something drifty and pretentious on this subject and I would like to strike it all and simply say - sometimes it is hard to take a leap into the unknown but the rewards are worth it. I made a change from a large, mature company to a young, developing one. They say it takes 6 months to acclimate to a new job - I laugh in the face of whoever came up with that one. The part of me that loves manic, insane challenges is doing a happy dance.

The Shining

I have no idea why I do this (yes, I do) but sometimes when I am alone I start imagining my life as the setting for a horror film (cue the time my babysitter took us to a showing of The Shining when I was six years old. Would love to say she never babysat for us again but sugar babies and coke with crushed ice was involved and let's just say the bribery worked - until guilt and nightmares had me spilling the beans to mom.)

So give me an empty house like tonight and I suddenly hear weird noises from the basement.

Somehow when my son is around, my thoughts never go to a dark place. Some kind of momma bear instinct keeps me from ever letting the boogie man take up even a millimeter of space in my musings. The keeper of safe dreams cannot be a wimp!

On business trips, however, I find my thoughts often take a more fanciful turn. I usually go to the same cities and with three main time zones to work from, every hour is taken up with work. I keep thinking about returning with the family for a proper exploration - but who wants to vacation where you work from?

So I tend to fit my sightseeing in on walks around my hotel. Sometimes for an early morning espresso but usually for a late night decaf cappuccino when I can't sleep (time change) and I figure I'll walk a few blocks to mingle with the homeless, the students and weird sleepless strangers like me. Maybe its these tiny cracks of exploration into a new place that gets my imagination going. Maybe its being on my own away from the familiar (and my husband).

My latest trip had me in a new wing (new to me but ancient-old for the hotel). They were booked up with conventions and I was tucked away on a floor where I saw absolutely NO ONE else on that floor for three days. Apparently it is the last area to be remodeled.

Sometimes I would hear voices but never actually saw a single person.

To make the situation creepier, the entire floor reminded me of...(you guessed it) The Overlook Hotel, aka the hotel in the movie The Shining! If you don't believe me, have a gander...

My room was at the end of a hall right next to a creepy metal stairway. One night before turning in I peeped through the keyhole and just freaked myself out by imagining something white move very quickly past my door. Cue palpating heart and moving desk chair in front of the door.

Like that would help! I've seen enough films to know for fact that if a crazy, psychotic fiend wants to chop you up with lawn tools, they have a way of making that happen.

So I ignored it. But not before taking a picture in hopes of preserving my silly bout of imagination for morning chuckles. It did the opposite. The next night I stepped out of the elevator in total silence and walked calmly about six feet before shedding my heels to hightail it with barely suppressed squeals all the way to my room with shoes, briefcase and card key in hand. Darn that babysitter and Jack Nicholson's crazy eyebrows!

For some reason my hotels are frequently surrounded by addicts who get more aggressive at night and often follow me down the block chanting "...gimmemoneygirlgimmemoney
girlcantyouhearmeIsaidgivememoneygirl" while I am clinging to my Starbucks cup (fake, polite smile, check! No eye contact with the strange limping man on my left, check!) and trying hard to pretend to be Mary Moore on a sunny stroll while considering where to toss the coffee if anyone actually tries to grab me. This happens in well lit streets with police officers on every corner so its not like I am walking down alleyways.

Before you think me totally heartless, living in New York for so many years has taught me never to give money to strangers at night - it is a bit like the children's book Give a Moose a Muffin? It is creepy to be followed by someone who also text their friends down the block to note you are a sure thing and otherwise make you regret the impulse - especially when they look at the three dollars you have given them and begin a discourse on inflation and the cost of failing the homeless in distopian societies. So I stick to daytime assistance.

Enough getting off track! Not sure why I work myself up yet reading this post I think I will avoid late night wanderings for coffee and see if that doesn't stop the over active imaginings from taking a hike. I am also going to tuck a chair beneath the basement doorknob and check the alarm - just to feel better.

Sheryl and Martha

So I've been doing some deep cleaning and gathered a ton of old magazines for the recycling center. Struck by the contrast in a Time cover on a leading business woman and a famous guide for serious homemaking, I snapped a photo of the two together as they seem to reflect the contrast (or duality?) of my interests in some strange way. That sounds pompous and far too self indulgent - do over - let's just say that it seemed ironic. I have a switch that allows me to be both work focused and Mommy minded very easily - although rarely at the same time. I am getting better at switching between the two much faster.

Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg is old news but certainly earned its PR stripes. Valuable thoughts yet not very innovative. My own takeaways are that we have to stop looking askance at older men mentoring young women, that we women tend to build our own stumbling blocks and when you are invited to the table, take a seat. Many more.

It is admirable when the Sheryls and the Marissa Mayer's of the world succeed. Succeed big. I unfurl my girl flag and woop it up (figuratively.)Yet I also know like I know my name that they did not succeed BECAUSE they are women. It is great that they may, and the world may, identify their success with their gender. But the truth is that these are exceptionally intelligent and talented people who work very hard.

Perhaps I am naive yet beneath all the layers of influence defined by generational and cultural messages I think a greater truth exists - a natural understanding that we are equal contributors valued by our individual talents and drive. And isn't that what is truly amazing?

Routine

I am grateful that most days feel very different and always interesting. Every day is a choice. A choice to be giving. A choice to be kind. A choice to avoid the merry-go-round of negative thinking and to rejoice in all the positive that surrounds us all if we only look for it.

It is not always easy. Last week for example, I found myself in Brooklyn for a deposition (not personal) and one of those giant, union blow-up rats was parked outside the office I had to visit. Traffic had been terrible and I was not looking forward to the next several hours. Yet I noticed the Brooklyn Bridge and thought how marvelous it looked in the morning light.

 

 

 

Even normal routines are full of grace. The strangers who wish me a good day. My child's first warm hug good morning. My husband's terrible jokes and excellent timing. An uplifting chat with an old friend.  Finding a solution that simplifies the complicated and saves time and resources. Partnering with a smart colleague over a challenging project. Intellectually stretching in all the areas that hold my interest, even those that lay dormant for this moment in time. A new song that captures some elusive tie to a million happy moments.

 

 

The chance to improve and grow into the best self I can be. My normal routine is never actually "normal" as much as it is embracing the amazing in the ordinary. Sometimes I enjoy the rush and juggling so much that I forget to breathe. And in those seconds when I do stop and notice all the small things, I see how the small things make for an excellent life that I am grateful for.

When to Divorce Your Work Spouse

Divorce is never easy. When it is someone you work with, it can be downright traumatic. Occasionally there are even "custody" arrangements of direct reports or a polarization of colleagues to work through. A work spouse can be a man or a woman, same or differing gender. It is the person you work closely with and typically someone similar enough in personality to create chemistry (the unromantic variety) yet different in ways that allow you to complete each other. For example, one may be great with numbers while the other is great with presentations. Perhaps one is more big picture while the other craves a life of details. In short, this relationship is a partnership of sorts.

A work spouse is a blessing and a curse. There is true value in actually enjoying the time spent with work colleagues - often this time is much greater than we spend with our own spouses and family. There is a camaraderie in sharing work stories and lunches with someone who you can also share your personal life with. Someone who remembers your birthday, anniversary, your birth stories and how you like your coffee. Who knows your mood by the way you say "Good Morning" - or not. Who you can borrow a lint brush from or check for salad between teeth before a meeting. Someone that picks up the slack on bad days and who challenges you to do your best every day.

I've had two such "marriages" in my career, and what I know is that they tend to run their course, eventually evolving into friendships from afar. Ideally this will be caused by one person's promotion or transfer - or perhaps even a new job that effectively severs that every day connection. Less ideal is when the relationship begins to sour - leading to the type of resentful bitterness seen in the movie War of the Roses. Just as in a real marriage, this can begin with one person changing course and leaving the other person struggling with the change.

Emotional maturity and professionalism is the antidote to this type of negative energy. But what to do when a work marriage begins to truly sour? Although I have never had to deal with this, I know plenty of people who have. What I have observed is that it is usually best to simply sever all personal aspects of the relationship. Maintain a friendly manner yet keep all conversation topics to work related matters.

Unfortunately, such a transition can be awkward in the short term. Consistency is key and time will eventually lead to new connections and habits. Although the rewards of a healthy work relationship can be tremendous, severing ties with a once close partnership is uniquely challenging. Any conflicts play out in the place that pays your bills and puts food on your table. The good news is that, unlike a real marriage, your house, child custody and alimony is never on that table. Keeping a work spouse divorce in perspective is essential to successfully navigating the dissolution.

the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart with me
by e. e. cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

    i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Portland

For the longest time I have wanted to see Portland, Oregon. Maybe it is all the books I've read on gardening roses (Portland is famous for their rose gardens) or maybe it is the coffee and music culture. I am crazy for both. Last week I had another week of travels - LA to San Jose for three days and then to Portland for 24 hours.
My son gave me a lovely virus the weekend before my trip and it turned into something worse for me. My awesome doctor called in a Z pack and I was able to make it home on a red eye. Pneumonia that is now just bronchitis with the help of steroids and other stuff I hate taking (although I am very grateful for modern medicine when you truly need it!). So by the time I made it to Portland I was well and truly just trying to get better so that I could make it home. My one morning free, I spent an hour and a half walking the neighborhoods before being picked up. Portland is noted as the greenest city in the US and I could easily understand why. The business purpose was amazing and well worth the misery yet that last day was a bit of an unexpected surprise. Here is where I spent most of my one day in Portland:

During my hour of exploration, here are some things that captured my interest:

Green moss on most trees - and that most trees were in bloom a bit earlier than we were on the east coast.

Noticed how clean Portland seems to be (it rained most the the time I was there).

Also noted a ton of bikes and electric vehicles around.

The many restaurants and odd food spots. I saw a barbershop/pub. Wonder if the barbers imbibe on the job? One fascinating food stand sold grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

The unexpected surprise I referred to was actually an amazing gift from a colleague who was born and raised in the area and who spent several hours with me prior to my flight. I can't even thank her enough.  After getting some work done she began driving us on an old highway nearby. Although I was a coughing, delirious mess, she gave me quite an entertaining education of the topography and history of Portland and her enthusiasm was delightful. Here is what I mean by gifts:

Location of "Prom" in the first Twilight movie - it's been badly burned and I didn't even know about its history until we were on the road again. I would have looked a bit closer! Glad I took this one snapshot.

So the best thing I got from my strange, brief visit to Portland was simply an appreciation for the kindness and generosity I felt from so many people there. My co-workers in that part of the country are inspiring and it was a pleasure to walk in their shoes. Even the hotel doorman and pharmacist were complete sweethearts and having that experience when you are at your most vulnerable is priceless. We are definitely planning a trip there as an entire family to do some hiking. Can't wait to visit again when feeling a lot better! Portland is a pretty special place.

Travels with Star Wars Lego Stormtrooper

I have been pretty busy with business travel lately. It is always difficult to leave your child behind yet he is at an age where he is busy with friends and school and that makes a tremendous difference. We used Skype every evening to read the next chapter of Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief and I hid small gifts around the house for him to anticipate each evening we would not see each other. Daddy was amazing!

My son gave me his Star Wars storm trooper Lego to "remember me by". Whenever we had a break in meetings I tried to snap a picture to e-mail him at night. Wanted to share our scrapbook. If you can't guess the background, we were at the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Lovely, although we were so busy I barely ever left the hotel.

What Are You Passionate About?

Finding your passion (or passions) in life is such an amazing gift.  Many people float their entire lifetimes searching for something that truly engages them in a meaningful way.

I think it you are one of the lucky ones, it is because you were fortunate to be exposed to it (and/or born with a rare, innate talent/disposition such as a Mozart or Leonardo DiVinci - gah! No pressure there!) and secondly, that you are brave enough to persist in your area of interest until you master it.

I don’t know a single person that lived a successful life that didn’t have passion for something they found meaningful. Whether you are an inventor (like Steve Jobs), a teacher, conservationist, parent, artist, philanthropist, rain maker or CEO, it all happens from a place of joy and excitement in the pursuit of what we love and find to be worthwhile.

I especially love what Mr. Jobs has to say about hiring and developing talented people. The best leaders are those who recognise, cultivate and value a highly skilled team. Leaders who understand the magic that occurs from a passionate, collaborative collective. So, what’s your  passion?

How to ( not ) be a class mom!

I love being involved with my son's school. I love the idea of it. I like his teachers and we are pretty passionate in our house about homework and spelling tests. With that said, I learned a lot last year about my limits. Excited about our son's new adventure into Kindergarten, I was the parent in the front row feverishly taking notes at orientation while my husband actually had conversations with other people. I signed up for every parent/volunteer event I thought I could handle (ha!).  I signed up for year book photos, festivals and events I had no idea experience with. I ignored the wiser mothers in my life who shook their heads and advised me to pare it down. I had no idea what a "class mom" was exactly in this day and age, yet I was determined to be the best one ever!

hmmm.

I really did try my best, yet it was not a natural fit. I admire -and am grateful for -the moms who devote themselves to ensuring all of our children enjoy special events throughout the year. As a volunteer, I found myself too...impatient to truly enjoy each and every experience (What is the true ROI for these fundraisers? Is every child having a GREAT time? How do we improve this process for next year? Whose minding that crazy child over there...oh, wait that's my kid...).   I really enjoyed getting to know people but my main goal was to be there for Monkey. Running around like a manic person actually made me less present for him.


The end result of my experience is that I signed up for nothing this year. That's right. Big zero. I will join in the fun if it works with my family priorities and our schedules. I will always donate goods when asked and be present when it makes sense for us and it means something to Monkey (like an upcoming mystery reader stint). And I will definitely be donating generously to the PTA this year...

For fun, here are a few pictures last year when I did a Halloween craft for Monkey's class. It took me 6 hours over two nights to hand cut little bat bodies and it took them 10 minutes to complete. The candy boxes and cellophane were from Michael's. It was fun - yet this year I am delivering food made by someone else as I intend to keep my eyes on Monkey as he dazzles in his Star Wars costume. He'll be happy with my undivided attention - inside or outside the classroom.

Traveling for Business - a how-to-guide for moms who are new to it

From a work standpoint, I am well into gear for fourth quarter. It is a challenge akin to preparing for the homecoming game. You have your strategy well in hand and are navigating last minute interference while keeping end of quarter performance goals in sight. For me that means a bit more travel. Most working moms (including myself) don’t particularly enjoy traveling on business - especially while your children are young.

photo credit: http://pinterest.com/pin/204231759/

As an example, I recall the plight of a breastfeeding colleague whose stored milk leaked all over a fellow passenger’s carry on. She was embarrassed but mostly upset to lose two days worth of pumped breast milk. Luckily she laughs about it today. Personally, I tried to really cut down on business travel when the enormous, seismic pull of a helpless infant and/or toddler existed. Once your children are more self-sufficient, however, things do get a lot easier.

Here are my two truths to share regarding successful business trips for working moms:

1. You will be too busy on these trips to experience more than a tolerable amount of guilt. Sounds crazy but it's true for me. The week or two beforehand is really the worst of it. Once you are engaged in the purpose of your trip, your focus is pretty much tied up. To get to this place requires a bit of preparation – which I’ll share below.
2. As much as you might think your child(ren) are pining in heartbreak without you...they are not.

They are enjoying forbidden Burger King with Dad. They are wheedling him into breaking rules and they are successful at it. They are jumping on the couch in wrestling battles and watching too much television. They are playing computer games with animated zombies that drive monster trucks over unsuspecting pedestrians. They are playing Wii after bedtime on a school night and your floors will acquire mysterious stains that no one knows anything about.

photo credit: http://pinterest.com/pin/229003348/

The man you married, who agreed that children without boundaries are a result of bad parenting, will drive him two towns over to buy out of season FIREWORKS. When you call to check in, they will give you the bum’s rush in order to get back to their next adventure. As much as we mothers are the glue that hold our families and civilization in check, it's fun for them to be barbarians once in a while. Not that I would tell them this. The truth is - great fathers pretty much rule. They hide the bad stuff from you until you get home.

The weeks before are my guilty weeks so I distract myself with preparations. Here is what I do:

1. Spend a Sunday making and freezing meals such as lasagna, meatloaf and chicken Marsala, which they will never eat because they are eating out every night.
2. Create lots of sweet or funny notes and hide them in sock drawers and shoes. Ask husband to place a note each day in your child’s snack or lunch box. You will find these later in the bottom of his backpack.
3. Create a video of you reading a chapter or two from the current bedtime book. This will never be seen because of all the Wii time he is getting in.
4. Select and hang up school clothes for the week after checking the extended weather forecast. Pin signs with days of the week on each set so that he wears the right shoes for gym and has a jacket on the chillier day.
5. E-mail or speak with his teachers so that they are prepared that your child might be sad at school on those days and need a little extra TLC. He won’t need the TLC but he will certainly milk it if necessary (aka gets a reminder about talking too much during circle time).
6. Buy little presents and ask the hubby to go on a clue hunt to find one each night. This one is really for the second half of an extended trip and is purely motivated by guilt and an egotistical need to still be remembered as a fun parent, although out of sight. This will backfire on you as Daddy will get the credit and he will take the credit without any of that regrettable guilt that you felt in the first place.
7. Before leaving, really talk up the airport gift you will be bringing home for him.
8. When packing for the trip, remember to include one “something” that belongs to him but that he can live without. A discarded baby blanket or a stuffed bear. Take pictures of this “something” in your hotel room or other location to e-mail an adventure story about. Make sure your Itouch or IPad is stocked with your favorite family photos, music, movie and an app that allows you to connect virtually - such as Skype. Sleep with the bear at night. Ditto for your husband’s t-shirt.

These steps are mostly completed in the pre-trip haze of guilt. Again, once you are on the way to the airport your focus will shift and it will be an amazing miracle when it happens. Knowing your family is able to exist (yet never wants to) without you is oddly comforting.

And trust me. As difficult and lonely as it may seem to be, sitting in a hotel room at the end of a long day (and thousands of miles away from your beloved family) not hearing someone call your name fifty times in a row or ask for the remote control the moment it hits your hand - just may rank up there with a spa day.

The thing about leaving is that there is a wonderful reunion. Lots of laundry – but a very happy family waiting for you to return.